AUTHOR: Tabula Rasa

RATING: PG-ish

CATEGORY: This story is brought to you by the letter H.

SPOILERS: Yes, please.  Requiem!  Now run away screaming.  Now come back.  Leonard Bettes and Small Potatoes.  See?  It'll be fun anyway.

ARCHIVE:  If you want it, it's yours.

DISCLAIMER:  Long, rambling monologues? No.  Bad famous guest stars? No.  Good special effects? No.  Confusing plot? Well, maybe, but at least it makes sense to someone.  Continuity? Yes.  I guess CC didn't write this.  He owns it, though, but I haven't figured out how that works yet.

SUMMARY: Scully's having a rough morning, poor baby!

NOTES: God only knows what was in the water when I wrote this but...This is fluff.  Fluff, Phluff, Fluph...whatever.  Humor, hopefully.  Do not take it seriously.  And I wrote this way at the beginning of the 2000 hiatus, so it's pre-Doggett.

XXX

Skinner!

Scully fumed, sulking on the hard cement bench.  What was *Skinner* doing here!?  She hadn't wanted Skinner to come, she'd wanted the Gunmen, who *didn’t* yell at her, and did whatever she wanted because they were afraid of her.  Skinner, for some reason she couldn't understand, wasn't afraid of her.  At least not as much as he should be.

"Agent Scully" he growled, "just what the hell did you think you were doing?"

He was looming over her, trying to use his height and bulk to intimidate her.  Jerk!  That had never worked!

Scully immediately jumped up and used a trick she had invented and perfected with Mulder: looking down on someone taller then you.  Scully looked down her nose at Skinner and sniffed.

"Why are YOU here, *sir*?" she sneered.

He scowled at her, but took a step back.  Scully beamed with triumph.

"*I’m* here, Agent Scully," he growled, "to get *you* out.  Why the hell were you breaking into a military base..."

"We do it all the time!" she protested.

"...by yourself!" he finished.

Scully shrugged.  "I couldn't find the Gunmen." That was even true.  Mostly.  Sometimes.

Skinner made some more noises that she didn't listen to, and then they left.  Her car was missing, so he drove her.  "I'm going to take you to your mother's house" he announced.

Scully screwed up her face, all set to protest.  "Oh, all right" she said instead.  "Bill left yesterday, so I suppose it's okay." She didn't like that he thought he could decide things for her, but seeing her mother might be okay.  Ever since she found out Scully was pregnant, she'd been fawning all over her.  Scully might get some Belgian waffles out of this.

But Bill better not know she was pregnant!  She had told her mother not to tell him--she might never tell him!  Serve him right!  Also, it might be bad for Matty, whom she loved but who would be obviously inferior next to *her* baby.  After all, he was stuck with Bill and Tara's deoxyribonucleic acid, whereas her baby had her DNA.  Oh, and Mulder's too.  It was bound to be very pretty, and if it had Mulder's nose, well, then they would just do plastic surgery before they even left the hospital, and no one would know!  Scully was very pleased with her plan, and smiled out the window (she didn't want Skinner to think she was smiling at him--she was still mad).

"Don't come in to work today, Agent Scully.   And don't worry about calling in; I'll take care of it."

When they got to her mother's house, she said "Thank you, sir," but very sarcastically.

Then she flounced up the walk and pounded on the door.  It was 7 am, so her mother should be up, although Scully really didn't care.  Her mother had damn well better be up when her only remaining, pregnant daughter came pounding on the door after just getting out of military prison and was hungry, damn it!

Bill opened the door, scowling, or, wearing his normal facial expression.

"Oh SHIT!" Scully shouted, and spun around to see Skinner's car round the corner and disappear.  It had been a trick!  No doubt, Skinner was in league with her brother!  And probably the CIA and the Pentagon and the FBI, too.

"Dana!" he gasped.

"That's my name, don't wear it out." Scully ducked under his arm and ran down the hall, looking for her mother, who was in the kitchen.

"Dana!  Sweetheart, how are you?  You're just in time for breakfast!"

"Why's Bill still here?" Scully whined.  She wanted her mother to herself.

Maggie smiled.  "He got an extra day of shore leave, isn't that wonderful?"

"No" Scully muttered, but she turned away so her mother wouldn't hear.

"What are you doing here, Dana?" Bill had come back into the kitchen, and sounded as unhappy as she was.  What's he complaining about, Scully thought, outraged.  *He* wasn't the pregnant one, for Christ's sake, and *his* baby wasn't the one who would get stuck with a deadbeat dad unless she broke into military bases.  His baby *would* have a deadbeat dad, however, unless Bill shut his yaphole.

Scully scowled at him and said: "I was arrested breaking into some military base, and Skinner came and got me and brought me here."

"You were what!?" Bill shouted, his face an interesting shade of purple.

Scully sniffed, and looked down at him.  "I do it all the time.  Chill.  I wouldn't be here except that Skinner picked me up.  I wanted the Gunmen to come."

"The who?" asked Bill.

"Not the Who," Scully said, becoming annoyed again.  “The Gunmen.  The Lone Gunmen.  They're not even a band, and there's only three of them.  They publish a paranoid conspiracy theory newsletter."

Bill only gaped stupidly at her.  Finding that unremarkable, Scully turned to look in the refrigerator.

"Mom?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Do you have any potstickers?"

Maggie and Bill stared at her, but Scully didn't notice; her head was in the refrigerator.

"You want potstickers?" Maggie asked uncertainly.

“Yes” Scully snapped, since that should be obvious.  It's not like she went around asking people if they had certain food items unless she wanted to eat them. That sounded like some sort of grocery store conspiracy.

"For breakfast?" Bill asked, in that incredulous tone Scully had only recently grown out of.  Scully ignored him, since she decided she wasn't speaking to him.

"I don't have any potstickers, sorry" said Maggie.

Scully pouted.  All she wanted was some potstickers, god damn it!  If Mulder was here, he would get her potstickers.  He'd damn well better!  If her mother loved her, she would have potstickers.

She turned around.

"Do you want anything else?" Maggie asked hopefully.  "You need to eat, sweetie.  I have some sausage here, if you want."

She put two rounds of sausage on Bill's plate, and held the pan out towards Scully.

"Ew!" she shrieked.  "It looks like Leonard Bettes's head!"

"Who's Leonard Bettes?" Bill demanded.

"Just some guy I killed" Scully shrugged.

"Oh!" Maggie exclaimed.

"What!" Bill sounded angry again.  "Most people drop names of  people they know, and you go around dropping the names of people you've shot?”

"I didn't shoot him!"  Scully said immediately.  "I got 'em with the paddles!"

"FINE" Bill shouted.  "You go around killing people."

Scully frowned.  He said that like there was something wrong.  It wasn't like she was a bad killer, like Krycek!  There were obvious differences. Good people like her got good partners--Mulder was at least good for entertainment and recreational purposes.  Krycek got Marita Covarrubias, and she was only annoying.  Plus that whole arm thing.

She was going to explain this to Bill, but he dumped ketchup all over his eggs.  And it looked really, really...

Scully's face turned a strange shade of greenish-white.  She pursed her lips and puffed out her cheeks a little.  Her eyes got very wide.

"Dana?" Maggie asked, but Scully turned and ran from the room.

She hated morning sickness!  It wasn't fair!  Mulder should be here to hold her hair, and run out and get her food whenever she wanted it!  She was going to have to enlist someone to do that.  Skinner lived too far away.  Frohike, though, was promising.  1) He lived in the District.  2) He would do anything to see her in her pajamas.

That was the problem with men, Scully decided.  Men would do anything you wanted when they wanted to see you in your pajamas.  But as soon as they saw you out of your pajamas, then they believed they owned you and strutted all around, when actually you owned him.  Stupid men.

Scully sniffed and rinsed out her mouth.  She was going to call the Gunmen, yell, and make them come get her.  She didn't want to look at Bill anymore.  He made her sick.

She shuffled back out to the kitchen.  Her mother had a glass of milk all ready for her.  Maggie made Scully sit down at the table and watched her drink it.  Scully watched Bill put grape jelly on his toast.  Grape jelly sounded really good.  On potstickers.

"Give me some jelly" Scully said.

"No" he said.  "I'm using it."

Scully had been tired and miserable, but now she was all pissed off again.

"Mom!" she hollered.  "Billy won't share!"

"Billy!" her mother warned.  "Dana, sweetie, would you like some waffles?"

"Why does she get waffles?" Bill whined, outraged.

"Because she loves me more" Scully stuck her tongue out.

"You're being very childish!" Bill snapped.

"I KNOW" Scully snapped back.  "I'm PRACTICING!"

"You don't need any practice!" he sneered.

"I don't want waffles" Scully whined.  "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME POTSTICKERS AROUND HERE?" she shouted.  "AND GRAPE JELLY!!"

"Children!" Maggie said sternly.  “Shut up!  Bill, leave your sister alone.  And Dana, potstickers aren't appropriate breakfast food.  I'm making waffles.  Until then..."

Her mother gave her a spoon and Bill's jar.

Scully happily ate grape jelly, although she wished she had potstickers to go under it.  She was still able to smirk at Bill, however.

Bill sulked and grumbled. "You want potstickers for breakfast and not waffles?  What's next?"  He gestured with his fork as he tried to think of something.  "Pink Snowballs?"

Scully started to cry.

"Oh for God's sake" Bill muttered, then got up, left the room, and came back carrying something which he put on the table.

Scully shrieked and lost her appetite.  "It's the Senior Eddie van Blundht’s tail!"

"What?" Bill and Maggie asked.

"This is a replica of a dinosaur bone I bought for Matty!" Bill protested.  "I wanted to show you!”

"It looks like his tail!" Scully said defensively.

"What's an 'Eddie van Blundht'?" Maggie sounded worried.

"It's a he" Scully frowned.

"People don't have tails" Bill scowled.

"The Van Blundhts do" Scully corrected.

"Did you kill him, too?" Bill asked snarkily.

"No!" Scully scowled at him.  "I did the autopsy.  Mulder broke the tail off.  Then the younger van Blundht tried to sleep with me."  She snickered.

"I'll kill him!" Bill announced.

"That's okay" Scully assured him.  "Mulder wanted to kill him, too, but now Eddie van Blundht's in jail."

Bill grumbled something about Mulder Scully didn't quite catch.

There was a knock at the door.

Maggie went to answer it.  Scully and Bill ate grape jelly.

Skinner came in.  He sounded tired.  "Agent Scully, I'm sorry to disturb you, but I found out that the military injected you with a substance they claim is harmless but causes certain temporary psychological changes."

"Oh no!" Maggie gasped.  "The baby!"

"What baby?" Bill bellowed.

"Exactly" Skinner sighed.  "Scully, you have to come to Washington with me."

He sounded tired, and Scully suddenly felt a wave of maternal feelings sweep over her.  Poor Skinner.  Running all around after her...that was so sweet.  He looked like he needed a hug.  She wanted to fix his tie and then maybe polish his head for him.  She wondered if he ironed his underwear, maybe she could do that for him.

She stuck her spoon in the jelly jar, and got a large scoop of jelly, and then stuck the whole thing in her mouth.

She got up and followed Skinner's ass to the door of the kitchen.  Then she stopped and turned around. The back of Bill's head was staring at her.  She had the spoon in her mouth.  She slowly pulled the spoon out, cleaning it thoroughly.  And threw it at Bill's head.

THUNK.

Scully turned around and ran.  That was great!  That was almost more fun then the thing Mulder did with his tongue!

Hmm...Eddie van Blundht-with-an-H...

Well, he would at least look like Mulder.  And he was *such* a good listener!  At the very least, he could be her...eunuch, or something.  Mainly, she would make him look like Mulder all the time, and then he would go and get her food when ever she wanted it!

She was pretty sure that Skinner had used his "Get out of Jail Free" card to get her out of prison, which meant she still had hers.  Good, she could use it for Eddie.

Hooray!  She would make Skinner take her to get Eddie van Blundht, and then he would get her potstickers and she could polish Skinner's head for him.

Scully skipped as she followed Skinner out the door.

XXX

Feedback, comments, suggestions, and potstickers (with or without grape jelly) always welcomed and greatly appreciated at tabulaxrasa@yahoo.com

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